That ONE.

Today was Joshua's birthday. If we have ever spoken then you know how in love I am with this kid.

I celebrated today with a migraine. A bad one. I ended up going home. Because I couldn't see straight, form coherent sentences, and there might have been some throwing up involved.

I was sad to miss the day at school with him. He smiled that smile that kills me and told me to go home.

In my journal, on August 13. Less than two weeks after arriving in Cambodia I wrote, Currently my favorite it Joshua. He reminds me of an old man with his smiley eyes and kindness. I'm only 13 days in though. What do I know about favorites.

As it turns out, favorites are for life.

A few weeks back in church I was sitting with Henry. We had just gotten back the night before and I had only seen Joshua for a second on Friday. As I spot him across the room he is looking around searchingly, when we make eye contact, he smiles that smile, throws up a wave and sits back in his seat.

At school when the lunch bell rings, Joshua usually waits for me while I get everyone out and lock the door and we walk together. Then he takes my tray after lunch. This week though, I said, Joshua take mine too! And he said, No! I can't! I asked why not, and after a minute the story came out, he had ended up carrying Phil's, Olga's, Thida's, mine and his, and ended up dropping it all and Kim Sereng said he couldn't take anymore. He was frustrated about not being stronger, which made me laugh.

Don't get me wrong. He is terrible in class.

He doesn't want to do anything, he talks, he gets out of his seat. He gets to run a lot.

This week he stopped writing the U in his name and when I pointed it out he said, I know, I am Josha!

The other day I asked, who knows what statues means?

Joshua responded with a shrug, I know what dog and cats means...

I think every SM that works with kids has that ONE.

That one that makes days a little better, even if they make them a little harder.

Joshua is mine.

When Joshua started this year he was one of the lowest with English. And now he is one of the good ones. I think there is something to be said for loving the crap out of kids.

When I work with some of the more frustrating kids one on one, I try and remind myself, ok pretend he/she is Joshua, would you be losing patience this quickly?

When I read blogs from SM friends, past and present and they talk about their ONE kid. I FEEL it with them. Because I KNOW the same things. I know the smiles, the jokes, the love.

It scares me a little to be in so deep.

Not just with Joshua.

In four months I won't have this anymore. I have dreams about leaving sometimes, and I'm always broken hearted.

But I think the brokenness means life happened. It means I am really alive.

Someone told me once, they would rather skip the loving part if it means avoiding the hurt the accompanies.

But I think I would choose the pain over the choice of staying safe.

If my heart ends up broken, it's only because I've been giving pieces away.

"My dear children, let's not just talk about love, let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality."

1 John 3:18-19